Hello again, Seekers (sorry, couldn’t resist an old Firesign Theatre reference). This little blog is still here and it’s about time we reawakened our interest in it. So, here we go down the rabbit hole…

An Anniversary of Sorts

I’m a late bloomer. Maybe it’s more accurate to say I’m a slow learner. Either way, it took my approaching my 50th birthday before I started to live my life. I don’t mean the previous 49 years were wasted, not at all. I grew up, went to a lot of schools, got married, had five kids, worked several different jobs, had my share of joys and sorrows. But, all during that time I felt unbalanced. Weakened by fear, fear of failing, fear of living.

I, like many people in my demographic, tried to placate my fears with various substances and quick fixes. I adopted unhealthy thought processes and set about, intentionally unintentinal, to destroy myself and everything I loved.

I did these things for a long time and bemoaned the fact that I was unsatisfied with my life. I didn’t enjoy my work. I didn’t have enough money. “Things” were not working out.  I wasn’t particularly happy or unhappy, really. I guess Iwas depressed — physically, emotionally and spiritually unwell. Despite it all, I continued down that path waiting for “something” to make “things” better. I’ve heard it said that the definition of insanity is continuing the same actions while expecting a different result. That was me. Insane.

The funny part of my story is that all the aspects of my life, professional and personal, emotionally and physically, all seemed to reach a nadir as my 50th birthday drew near. Mid-life crisis? I suppose so. Now, the residual effects of my unhealthy lifestyle (sedentary, poor eating habits, substance abuse) were becoming more evident. I had a heart procedure in 1999 that was the first glaring “sign” that maybe I had better do a better job of taking care of myself. I didn’t pay much heed and quickly set about reviving old, bad habits. Making bad decisions and expecting better results. Insane.

Particularly damaging was my penchant for the Demon Rum. Alky-haul. Yep, I liked to drink. A lot. Given my personal history, booze was the lesser of several other “evils”. I never really considered drinking a “problem”. It was far more socially acceptable than some of my other vices and it was always readily accesible. It filled the hole in my life that I didn’t want to admit was there. I’ve always tried to ignore problems hoping they would just go away. Well, we all know how that works.

Then, suddenly, it all came to a head late in my 49th year. I was a drone at work (I was definitely what they call a “functioning” alcoholic), my wife was fed up watching me kill myself and was making new, separate, plans. My health was shot and I felt like shit. It was all collapsing.

Throughout my life I had a bad habit of pushing myself the utter brink of disaster and screeching the brakes, stopping just as my toes hit the edge of the precipice. I’d do a “whoa!” and manage to pull myself in just in the nick of time. Not so this time. I’d pushed too hard, gone too far. Fortunately, I still had a little something left. Faint, but alive. Just barely.

We’ll talk about what it was  next time. Stay tuned.

I’ve recently received some kind words from some folks out there in Cyberland encouraging me to update “Beginner’s Zen.”

OK. Let’s do it. New post in just a few minutes.

I realized today that I have been neglecting this blog. I also realized that is a direct reflection of the state of my practice. I am not living very ’skillfully’ lately. Funny how these things coincide, isn’t it?

Now! Another opportunity to practice is made available.

This blog is aimed at those, like me, who have an interest in Buddhism but really aren’t sure what it is or, more importantly, what it isn’t. Again, I caution the reader that I am not professing any special insight or knowledge. I don’t have The Diamond Sutra memorized. I’m a traveler looking for the Middle Path. So, let’s start at the beginning.

Who was/is Buddha?

In the West we are conditioned to think in terms of a G-d, or a Son, or a Prophet when we talk about spiritual beliefs. In Buddhism, not so much. “Buddha” is actually a title and it means “Awakened One”. There are lots of Buddhas, you’re a Buddha too. But when we refer to The Buddha, the historical man who first discovered and taught the philosophy/religion of Buddhism we are talking about a figure known as Siddhartha. Born a prince to King Suddhodana in what is now Nepal in or around the year 560 B.C.E.

The familiar story is of a prince sequestered from the harsh realities of life and death by his protective father. It was King Suddhodana’s hope that his son never have to set eyes on the unpleasant aspects of the world. Siddhartha, a brilliant young man, wanted to see what was beyond the palace walls. When the prince was allowed to travel through the countryside, his route was carefully orchestrated by his father to keep ugliness, pestulance and death out of Siddhartha’s sight. But, as any parent will tell you, its impossible to shield our children from reality, even if you’re a king.

Siddhartha had caught a glimpse of the real world and saw that there was illness as well as health, he saw death as well as life, he became aware of old age. In short, he learned of his, and everyone else’s, inescapable mortality.

So, the prince gave away his royal robes, shaved his head with his sword leaving just a top knot and went out into the forests to find out what IT is all about. He came across many other seekers and teachers on his journey and learned all he could from all of them. Usually, his understanding surpassed that of his teachers and many began to follow him.

He lived the life of an ascetic, he trid self-denial and inaction until he realized that such a path could only lead to self-destruction. Too extreme. He realized that to understand the true nature of life that one would need to walk The Middle Way. Not too extreme one way or another. He meditated, and meditated, and began to see things with clarity. Sitting under the Bodhi Tree in meditation, Enlightenment came to him. He became The Buddha, and rather than keep this new-found knowledge to himself he decided to spend the rest of his days bringing this enlightenment to all sentient beings. This made him the first Bodhisatva.

TO BE CONTINUED

“Maybe you love me, maybe you don’t / Either you will or you won’t.”-Jeff Tweedy, Wilco

One of the most liberating aspects of Buddhism for me is the implicit teaching of impermanence as not only a philosophical concept but accepting it as indisputable natural law.

Decay is inherent in all compounded things.

Work out your own salvation with diligence.

Digha-nikaya, Sutta 16[1]

Sounds like this notion that “all things must pass” should relieve us of our inherent desire to “own” or “control” lives that are, hopefully, beyond “owning” or “controlling”. It seems our experiences here on this earth are a series of events in a process we can’t bend to our will. We continue to change, to grow older and our bodies are on an unstoppable bus to death and decay whether we like it or not.

I don’t know about you, but I spend a good deal of my time fighting this simple truth. I want to change what has happened in the past and control what will happen in the future. I want my wife and kids to love me, I want my boss to think highly of me and I want the world to accept me. The truth of the matter is, my wife could run off with the milkman, my kids could despise me and actually prefer their new milkman step-dad and my boss could tell me to clean out my desk any minute. I really can’t control what they all say, think or do, no matter how hard I try or how badly I want that power. “C’est le vie,” as the old folks say.

One thing I’m pretty sure of though is the world accepts me. It has no choice. I’m here and I am a part of all of it. The good, the bad and the ugly. I’m a wave in the ocean and entwined with George W. Bush…I live here and I’m in the right place. Wherever I go, dead or alive, Redding, CA or to a distant, far-flung nebula…there I am. I’ll be OK. I have no choice.

Now, just because I can’t control people, places or things doesn’t mean I shouldn’t care about them. I think people make choices all the time that affect their lives and their surroundings. In the case of my family, if I show them love and respect and care for them as best I can the universe may be more inclined to return these things to me. The physics of life on this planet indicate an action is generally met with an equal and positive reaction. It’s probably better to do good things than it is to do bad things. Good things are actions that help our cosmos to be healthy, replenish and sustain, bad things are actions that harm or denigrate those people and things around us. I know that’s pretty simplistic, but the Golden Rule is pretty basic, “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.” Some people call it karma. The law. That works for me.

I witnessed the application of these physics up close and personal. I used to drink. I drank quite a bit. My health, which was precarious at best, was going downhill fast. My wife didn’t like me and my kids were worried about me. I thought I was a responsible drinker. I was responsible for drinking any and all alcohol brought into the house. I wasn’t abusive or violent…or even mean. I was just ambivalent. Although if the Dodgers, Raiders, Lakers or UCLA were not playing up to my expectations, I would throw tantrums and say bad words. I thought I was a pretty entertaining guy. Not everyone agreed.

As things started to unravel around me, my health was getting worse, I couldn’t sleep, my wife was filing for divorce and I was having a meltdown. I had what alcoholics call, “a moment of clarity.” I suddenly saw myself without the attachments. It was liberating and it provided a wide array of choices. I decided that I wanted to live a little longer. I decided that I wanted to minimize the damage to my family, if I was to be an ex-husband I would be the best ex-husband I could be. I would apply myself to nurturing my creative and professional life. I would stop drinking, eat healthier and take care of myself. I took up jogging.

I noticed as I started taking care of myself and generating a healthier attitude. Health came back to me. As I concentrated on the needs of others, my life returned. My wife never followed through with the divorce, my kids relaxed and I started contributing creatively on my job. Gosh, who would’ve thunk?

That’s all the proof I needed to begin tending to my “spiritual” side, which had laid dormant for years and years. I sarted reading and studying again. I sought out teachers. I began to sit (meditate) on a regular basis. My goal was to maintain this healthier life. Over the past five years I’ve gone through periods of great diligence and disipline and I’ve gone through periods of lethargy and inattentiveness. I’m going through a down cycle now, which is why I started blogging here again. It helps me to “talk it out.” Somehow, sending this out there into cyberspace makes it more “real” to me. It becomes a real “action”. I’m silly that way.

The point I’m trying to make is that once I was willing to let go of all of these feelings, relationships and habits and realize that “I” wasn’t anythig to cling to, it freed me to adopt new feelings, relationships and habits. Now I know these things are tansient and in a constant state of flux, so am I. I’m not apart from it and I am learning to accept “what is”. When you attach your “happiness” to somebody or something else, you will suffer. The less there is of “me”, the more there is of everything else. I’m where I am and I’m OK.

This humble little blog is here because of a handful of people were encouraging enough to suggest that they may find it useful. Most of these kind folks were readers of my now defunct and deceased blog, “Hitler’s Titties,” which contained some pages of my prattling on about Zen, Buddhism and a novice practitioner’s experience. Unfortunately, those pages evaporated into the ethernet. Another example of the transient nature of things and life’s impermanence.

I want to make the following very clear (a real Zen concept); I am NOT an expert, ordained priest, teacher, theologian or master of Zen, Buddhism or religion in general. I am a student of Zen teachings and try to apply its’ lessons in my everyday life. I try to sit (meditate) on a regular basis and I seek out information and teachers from various sources. My intention with this blog is to share my experience and MY understanding with fellow travelers who might be interested in such matters.

I’m very interested in pursuing, and pontificating on, what is being called “American Zen”. What that means to me is a practice that acknowledges the Japanese, Chinese, Tibetan, Malaysian, Korean and other oriental schools teachings and concepts without all the foreign trappings and with less emphasis on the ceremonial aspects of Zen Buddhism. That doesn’t mean to dismiss these qualities, it just means I prefer a less ostentatious approach. It also means that what you read here is solely based on my understanding and has been filtered through my own Philbertness. I’m just another traveler on the path and make no claim to have any special knowledge or wisdom. In fact, I hope to learn from you, so please feel free to correct, criticize, agree, teach, question or just chime in with your own experience.

I will be adding entries as often as they come to me.

Thank you,

Phil